Welcome to the Polish group on Facebook “Woman and Man”
And I know from experience that nothing will not help unless the guy does not take a stand, consciously and with full responsibility, at the side of masculinity. Only in his father’s arms, at his father’s side, can he find peace and be blessed by gifts of feminine. A common advice you can hear when a relationship is in trouble is “change her”. From my experience I know that a change of partner will not help escaping the inevitable – the need to embrace his male strength. Jacek Walkiewicz used to say – “names and faces change, problems remain”. How real, and how very hard to believe.
And where is the place of a man, whose strength flows outwards? Well, beside his father. Sometimes the male line is heavily weakened; what I can see during systemic coaching sessions; using coaching tools and Bert Hellinger’s Systemic Constellations. Partly this is because of Polish. War forced men to leave their homes, families, work, their place as heads of the family. In such situations, when man went to war, or when he was captured and landed in one of many labour camps, woman took over as the head of family. And a woman, no matter how good a mother she is, will usually raise a nice sympathetic and docile – meaning – domesticated boy. Why? Because she is a woman, and not a man, and she’s different from a man almost in everything. Different psyche, different energy, different way of thinking, different understanding of the world, different biology, and resulting from that hormonal differences. In short, a woman has no balls. There is no testosterone flooding her brain, she is more inclined to seek alliances than to compete. Is this worse? No. Damn it’s not worse, it is just different.
In systemic coaching sessions I meet guys who are firmly in their heads. They kind of understand everything, everything is for them supposedly in the domain of logic and they have allegedly sharp minds, but it's as if this intellectual insight does not change anything. They do not have the strength to be a man. Often their male lineages are heavy with lack of masculinity. The lack of the presence of a grandfather and a father. Because if grandfather didn't teach the father, then the father cannot teach the son. These miserable men, intellectually overdeveloped and deaf to their emotions, who feel inside that something is missing. They seek this something in alcohol, stimulants, in sexual conquests, rapid and dangerous sports; but when the adrenaline rush passes they want more. They want more endorphins, more danger – often even brush with death. At the other extreme, there are those guys who are withdrawn; who quietly and without much publicity fall into depression. The reluctance to live. The withdrawal from all the activity in the world. For both groups waits a furious woman. And without consciousness you might treat this woman not as a potential but as a stupid bitch who destroys and pisses you off - what a fucked up world! Lilith is furious at the first group because they behave as if they were still 14 years old and are constantly looking for new adventures. At the second group she's angry because she can not feel safe in their company, and it becomes her duty to confront the world; and to snatch from the world what's necessary so the family, children, and home can function without major disruptions.
Internet and culture is full of jokes and anecdotes about henpecked guys, the kings of their own armchair in front of a TV, about annoying and permanently unhappy women who like it is colloquially said – simply always nag and never give a break. And they will not give you, men, a break until you embrace your own strength, and be reborn in yourselves, in masculinity, in what is really yours, in the danger living inside yourselves, and in which lies your greatest potential. It would be wrong to think that your woman will you help in this task. That’s not why she’s in your life. Men often mistake their lovers with their mothers. Hellinger wrote about such a “love at first sight”. After a few months of a hormonal high, it turns out however, that your darling is not your mother and you’re not her sweet son. Being a polite mannered boy – as worked with your mother – does not work with a woman, because the relationship you – a woman is quite different than the relationship you – Mom. You will not be able to suck her feminine attention and closeness this way.
The biggest shock in such a situation comes with the arrival of a child. For a man who doesn’t stand beside his father, beside the masculine, it is a shock. Suddenly it turns out that all what he believed in – consciously or not – e.g. what we only for each other, always together, you and me in the moonlight, hand in hand. Waaah-waaah! – WAKE UP! A child is crying ! Dream ends, Romeo and Juliet. Time to wake up. This is not your Mom. It’s your woman. Some in these moments give up completely. Grief and pain is often then directed to those women who conscientiously fulfil their maternal duties. For a guy who doesn’t have inside him masculinity, such situations often end in depression. Disappearance of illusions and crash landing sometimes is very painful. What can then help?
Entering into inner contact with one’s own father, with one’s own strength, with patrilineal ancestors. There there is strength, to face such challenges as a child at home, a woman with varying moods, work and financial challenges. It’s all there in the masculinity. During systemic coaching sessions I unite men with what is masculine. They reach their strength. They change their faces, their bodies relax, they gain a second wind; sometimes it’s exactly beside their fathers that for the first time they get in touch with themselves. Not with a polite, docile boy, but with strength, fire, and the destroyer of illusions.
The woman in life of man is there, so he can confront the an illusion about himself. What if you try to hide in a depression? Or if you try to hide behind their colleagues? You’ll get lashes. Sometimes physically, because aggression of women against men is no longer a taboo, but the biggest beating you’ll get emotionally. For what? Are these women so bad? No. They are pissed off that you’re not standing in your place, in the place of a man. In place of strength, clarity of vision, the ability to act, to plan, and to implement these plans.
There are also men who agree with this state of affairs. They sit in their chairs, they stopped to dream about masculine, about male power, responsibility, determination, bravery, courage, and so spend their lives, like dead men in slippers in front of 52 inch LCD TV – dead while alive.
Man cannot see his reflection in the eyes of women. In the eyes of women he can find only what it feminine, what belongs to his mother. A man may find himself in the eyes of another man. And the first man in the life of every man is his father. It is the relationship, as a boy, with his father which shapes his attitude towards other men. If something in this relationship is interrupted – as it often appears during systemic coaching sessions – the boy is impeded, and often later goes in circles. Such are the consequences of the interrupted original flow of love, as says Hellinger. Can this flow can be restored? In such a way as to reach the father again? Yes, here I have good news. You can. This can be done, sometimes during the first session.
It's amazing how much men long for this. How they relax when they arrive in the arms of their Dads, where there is so many good things for them. Standing by his Dad, the man becomes very attractive to women. As a result, it improves his relationship with his partner, or increases his attractiveness to other women. Besides, he begins boldly go out into the world, and take what he needs. His career improves, he has more achievements. All this beside your Dad. If those who sit in front of the TV in their warm and soft chairs knew this, I suspect that armchair with plasma TV would leave through the window.
Often in Facebook groups or in on-line forums I read about how these poor guys were badly treated by their nasty ex-wives who do not want to allow them contact with their children. This is another feminine exam for the guy. Because for a guy a common dilemma - to be in a relationship, or to end it – is because of the children. These women, in my opinion, put before us men another challenge. They put us in a situation where we have to stand beside masculine. Because the kid - whether it's a boy or a girl, needs to be taken. Taken in the full sense of the word. Just as taking a woman. Doesn't seduce her. Man takes a woman. He comes and takes her for himself. And to take for himself a woman, and a child, you must have balls. And you need to know how to do it. And we learn these things besides our Dads. Mothers teach how to seduce, manipulate, play with words; and Dads teach how to take for yourself what we want from the world. Taking is connected with taking responsibility. You cannot take something, and then avoid responsibility for what you took. That is not possible. And even if possible, sooner or later it has its consequences, and the price you will have to pay. Do women like to be taken? They love it; because then they feel safe. Situation like divorce and the subsequent struggle for the child, often requires strength from a man. Strength not to get caught up in the fight for the child as an extension of the conflict between the parents. The strength to stand up for yourself, and not to succumb to the illusion in-spite of manipulation. The courage to take a kid in your strong male arms. Not to prove to kid's mother that she is a bad mother, but to exist as a man who takes responsibility for being a father. Week man will be oppressed by women until the end of his life. Dear John, if your bride starts to grumble, starts to provoke you, keep in mind that most likely you're stuck in a soft, warm chair right beside your mother's tit. And that your masculinity, strength, penetrating gaze, contact with the masculine is hidden in the closet. And it's waiting there for you to get off your ass, and finally to stand in your place. A woman is the greatest gift for a man. And a curse for those who want to stay as boys in shorts for the rest of their lives.
